Develop Self-Awareness

Relational literacy is the understanding of and ability to practice healthy ways of relating, and it’s foundational to preventing and managing infighting. When we build relational literacy, we can address almost any problem and discuss almost any topic without fighting. And building relational literacy includes developing self-awareness.

If we don’t know ourselves—if we don’t know, for instance, what kinds of behaviors or events trigger us, causing us to become dysregulated and defensive, or what the deeper motivations driving our actions are—and if we don’t know what we think, feel, and need at a given time, we’re unlikely to be able to relate to others (or ourselves) in a way that’s healthy and productive.

If, for example, we have a lot of unacknowledged survivor guilt that causes us to feel like we don’t have the right to say no when someone asks us to support a campaign, we’re likely to say yes—and to risk eventually becoming burned out. We’re also likely to resent the people who ask for our help, and perhaps to communicate with them nonrelationally.

Develop your inner observer

There are many ways to build self-awareness. One key strategy is to develop your inner observer, the part of you that’s observing what’s happening inside you without making up a story about it.

As your inner observer becomes more developed, you’ll be better able to identify and attend to your feelings and needs, as well as to articulate them clearly and respectfully.

You’ll also become less judgemental of yourself and others, and you’ll find that you are less defensive and more open-minded and receptive. These are just a few of the benefits of learning to observe your internal process.

One way to build your inner observer is to set a timer to go off at least twice a day. Then, for a few minutes, pause and look inside yourself.

Ask yourself what the weather is like inside you: How would you describe your inner world if it were like the weather? Stormy? Mild? Sunny?

Next, try to identify your feelings. Ask yourself: “What am I feeling?” “Where is this feeling located in my body?” “How does this feeling manifest itself?” (For example, you might say: “I’m feeling sad. I feel the sadness in my chest. It manifests as a heaviness and a tightness.”)

You can also ask yourself what you’re thinking. Are there particular thoughts that are fueling or reflecting (or both) the feeling(s) you’re having? What’s the state of your mind? Is it racing? Calm? Dull and tired?

It can also be helpful to determine what the obstacles are to developing your inner observer. Make a list of what gets in the way of you being able to look inside yourself and see clearly and objectively what’s happening. Often, disrupted attention is the culprit, so it can help to learn how to improve attention and focus. (If you’d like to learn more about the obstacles to attentiveness, we recommend the book Stolen Focus, by Johann Hari.)

When your mind is always occupied with external stimuli (video games, meetings, surfing the internet, and so on) or is caught up in thoughts, it is very difficult to notice what’s happening in your inner world.

Practice mindfulness meditation

One powerful tool for developing our inner observer and building self-awareness more broadly is mindfulness meditation.

Research has shown that practicing mindfulness meditation actually rewires the brain so that we become less defensive and more attentive, focused, empathic, and compassionate.

Meditating for even 10 minutes a day can make a significant difference.

Today, many apps and programs are available to help you learn how to meditate. We highly recommend practicing the kind of mindfulness meditation Sam Harris teaches through his app Waking Up, referred to as “nondual mindfulness,” or “nondual awareness.” You can also check out Insight Timer, which offers many free guided meditations.

Speak to a confidant, coach, therapist, or bot

Talking about your experiences and sharing your self-reflections with others is one of the most important ways to build self-awareness. Confidants, coaches, and therapists can all be extremely helpful. If you don’t have such connections, you can also try talking with a free chatbot, such as the IFS therapy bot. 

Learn about your (and others’) relational styles

Many factors—such as gender, culture, race, and upbringing—can cause us to have very different experiences and needs. These factors influence our “relational style”—how we relate to others, the world, and ourselves.

For our purposes, we’ll look at just two key influences on our relational style: personality and neurodiversity.

Our personality is made up of our inborn qualities, or traits, and it causes us to have a vastly different inner world and relational style from others. Entire courses can and do exist on various personality traits, but for our purposes, it’s enough to understand some of the basics.

Learning about personality differences can be transformative, helping to significantly deepen our self-understanding and our understanding of others, and providing powerful tools for personal growth.

We often assume that others see what we see and experience the world in the same way we do. In some ways, this is true, but in many ways, it isn’t. Different personality types can see the world very, very differently; they essentially speak different languages. When we understand personality types, we can become polylingual and adapt our communication style to the person we’re communicating with.

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) and the Enneagram are two systems for understanding personality types. Although some researchers have questioned the validity of these systems, and more research is warranted, there is a substantial amount of anecdotal support for them and increasing empirical support as well. Both systems have been utilized by tens of millions of individuals around the world and can, at the very least, be useful frameworks.

Different forms or expressions of neurodiversity can have a significant impact on how we relate. Most notable are ADHD, autism-spectrum styles, and high sensitivity.

Positivepsychology.com offers many great tips and resources if you’d like more information about developing self-awareness.